What exactly constitutes fashion? I'd say I'm someone who puts more thought into their 'fits than the average bloke – I'll match my shirt to my shoes, or my tie to my socks – but I'm still no fashionista. Fundamentally, I think this is because while I appreciate a good colour palette, function is more important than form in my eyes. Forget trousers – I look and feel better in jeans, and the pockets are functional, too.
This leads me on to the Fiat 500e – the all-new, all-electric redesign of the iconic Italian micro hatch – which is a vehicle that was designed by and for someone who I'm convinced is the polar opposite of me in every way. Someone who likes designer-name brands, statement pieces, making a big entrance, and who uses words like 'chic' unironically.
Perhaps the biggest sign of this, however, would be the bag that I versus the person this car was designed for would carry. You see, with practicality my primary concern, the bag I use every day is a Bellroy sling. Sure, I splurged a bit extra for the Patty Mills Edition which features Aboriginal and Torres Straight Islander art on the lining, but it's still what some will insist on calling a 'bum bag'.
I don't care that it's not the most fashionable option, especially when the people complimenting you on it are eshays – my things all fit in it perfectly, and it has handy pockets for pens and my garage door remote.
By contrast, I think that the 500e is the equivalent of a luxury handbag. You know the sort – extremely stylish and classy, and made with high-quality materials, but fundamentally useless at its primary function of, y'know, carrying things.
The opening? Like a post box slot. The internal storage capacity? Akin to a 1990s hard drive. Pockets for pens and other knick-knacks? Forget it – zips are unfashionable. Practicality is unfashionable. Why else would runway models all look perpetually perturbed, expressions clenched as if constipation was the only worry greater to them than looking good?
Let's face it: 311km of claimed range isn't much to work with if you have a long commute or live in the countryside, as I do. 232km, the realistic range figure I was managing in the 500e, is even less than that; or rather, even more stressful. Mind you, with little room for both of my size 12s in the right-hand drive footwell, it's probably a good thing you can't use it for a long drive.
The only thing smaller than the range is the microscopic boot where you'll only find enough room for, well, a tiny handbag. Maybe half a wheel of parmesan and a bottle of vino at a push. Indeed, the parcel shelf is so small it's a wonder Fiat even put one there.
Draw a line straight through fitting anything but a chihuahua in the back seat, either, as it's a clear afterthought; do note that white leather is standard, so be weary of it accruing paw prints. I'd suggest folding it down to create more boot space, but it doesn't fold completely flat. In these senses, it's technically not that good at doing what most cars need to do.
But this is all missing the point. Who actually cares about the size of the boot, so long as it'll fit a Gucci bag? Who cares about usable driving range when you're a cosmopolitan with nowhere further to go than cafés and upmarket shopping centres? That's what this car has been built for, and it's perfect for it.
Just look at it – it's a fabulous piece of design. Seriously stunning. From the multidimensional depth of its metallic paintwork to the beautifully retro shape, it's as much of a head-turner as any flash sports car. There's not a single line or trim piece or badge that looks at all out of place. Even the name of this trim level, La Prima, written in cursive below the side windows, conjures up images of the Italian Riviera – no doubt with one of these parked in front of the trendiest restaurant on the waterfront.
Despite the limited range, it's good fun drive around town. Zippy and nimble, the ride may be a tad taut at times, but it's perfectly suited to tight city streets. The instantaneous torque ensures you'll get a good head-start in the Traffic Light Grand Prix, as it's been built for 0-50km/h sprints. Each street corner is handled with the excitement of a backroad hairpin thanks to its perfectly-weighted steering and flat handling courtesy of its low centre of gravity.
In a way, the 500e offers its own unique, urban take on luxury. In the same way that a Bentley or Rolls-Royce feels luxurious due to its silent effortlessness on a high-speed barnstorming cruise, or how a velvety-smooth latte feels on your palette at 11:30am after you've got out of a tense morning meeting, the 500e brings the same relaxing feeling to city driving.
It also ensures that it'll attract gazes when you pull up, but without any air of gaudiness. Think back to the little black handbag – fundamentally useless at being a bag, sure, but it's the perfect complement to any outfit. It'll have people noticing it, but it won't look pretentious or in your face as if plastered in an LV pattern or Burberry plaid.
That's what the 500e is. Style epitomised. Fabulously impractical.
2024 Fiat 500e La Prima
Price (excluding on-road costs): AU$52,500
Engine: Single electric motor, 42kWh lithium-ion battery
Transmission: 1-speed automatic
Drivetrain: FWD
Power: 87kW // 118PS
Torque: 220Nm // 162lb-ft
Acceleration (0-100km/h // 0-62mph): 9.0 seconds
Top Speed: 150km/h // 93mph
Weight: 1290kg (tare)
Economy: 14.4kWh/100km
