In the beginning a man by the name of Philippe Krief created the Ferrari 458 Speciale and it was good. Very good.
So spellbindingly good, in fact, that in 2013, Alfa Romeo asked whether Mr Krief would like to give up his cushy job at Ferrari and have a go at doing the impossible: building a car to match BMW's legendary M3.
At the time, this must have sounded unthinkable. The BMW M3 was Goliath, the sports-sedan benchmark, and Alfa Romeo was best known for selling a couple of dreary hatchbacks.
And yet, not only did Alfa Romeo produce a car that was a match for the Bavarian giant, it produced one that beat it in every meaningful metric. The Giulia Quadrifoglio was utterly brilliant. A watershed moment. Well, at least it was when it worked.
Upon release, Alfa Romeo proudly announced that it had taken the Giulia from napkin sketch to dealer shelves in half the time of the industry average. As it turns out, this wasn't the flex Alfa thought it was.
Wouldn't you believe it, the Giulia Quadrifoglio could be a cruel mistress. This was a shame, because were it not for this reputation for being a bit of a diva, the Giulia Quadrifoglio would have been marriage material.
Almost ten years have passed since the Giulia Quadrifoglio first broke our hearts. Now, it's time to find out whether the latest iteration has finally matured into a viable long-term partner.
First Impressions
Giulia (pronounced 'Julia') Quadrifoglio. I've heard of her before. Based on the pictures on her profile, she's not as pretty as others have made her out to be. Her jowls seem a little... stretched. Maybe she's had some work done.
She's not pretty in the traditional sense, but there is something intriguing about the way she looks. Exotic, even. She's quite proud of the fact that she weighs just 1624kg. Slim.
I'm willing to give her a chance.
First Date
I think I may be out of my league.
Giulia showed up to our date wearing a sensational 'Etna Red' ball gown that she casually mentioned cost $4000. I showed up in black jeans and a t-shirt. I said she looked stunning. She said I looked like the backstage crew at a school theatre performance. I laughed. She didn't.
I thought I'd try to smooth things over by encouraging her to order anything from the menu. The night was on me.
She promptly ordered a 98 RON bottle of wine. I know full well that 95 RON suits her just fine. I excused myself to the bathroom to ask mum to transfer me some extra funds for dinner. Mum wasn't happy ("When are you going to pursue a serious career?"). I can live with that.
When I returned to the table the bottle was empty and she invited me to dance.
I am an awful dancer. I am the kind of dancer that clears dance floors and makes mothers cover the eyes of children who have not yet been exposed to such repulsively inept choreography. Giulia didn't seem to mind. She was plenty talented for the both of us.
The way she moved was utterly mesmerising. She didn't put a foot wrong no matter how fast she went. She simply floated between moves in a way I didn't think was possible for someone of her, err, proportions.
After some time we retired to our table for refreshments. She ordered another bottle of 98 RON. I made another trip to the bathroom.
Hidden Talents
Giulia called the next morning asking for a second date. Bit forward, if you ask me, but I wasn't going to say no.
She suggested karaoke. I instead suggested we jump into shark infested waters. She said she hates getting her hair wet. I think my sarcasm was lost in translation.
She started the night (emphasis on started) by singing Whitney Houston's "I Have Nothing". I prepared myself for a train-wreck. None occurred. Lack of sense of humour be damned, the girl can sing.
I'm beginning to think she's a bit of attention seeker. Probably daddy issues.
First Fight
Definitely daddy issues.
We had our first fight today. We got caught walking in the rain. I wasn't focusing on the conversation. She tried shoving me into oncoming traffic. She really does hate getting her hair wet.
My relationship counsellor recommended we take a relaxing trip away.
First trip away
We took my counsellor's advice and travelled to Marysville, Victoria.
Along the way, Giulia insisted we go for a run along the Black Spur Drive, one of the more testing roads in Victoria. Considering the events that had recently transpired, I was understandably a little nervous about this.
However, the sun was shining and Giulia didn't put a foot wrong. In fact, she absolutely shone. She was fast, poised, and never seemed to run out of steam. Apparently she has Maranello in her blood and shares genes with some members of the Ferrari family. Whoever they are.
We stopped at the pub on the way home for a drink. Giulia downed another bottle of 98. I'm trying to figure out when's the best time to bring up the topic of rehab.
Cheapskate
Things are going well. Giulia invited me to see her apartment today. It's a nice place with smatterings of carbon fibre throughout the interior, but I suspect it's there to distract visitors from the prehistoric entertainment system and cheap plastic trinkets. Apparently this apartment cost $153,700 before the government took its slice. Not from where I was sitting.
But the more time I spent at Giulia's place, the more I came to appreciate some of the finer details. There's a Ferrari-aping starter button on the steering wheel and a pair of gorgeous aluminium shift paddles that wouldn't look out of place in an art gallery. Her embossed, leather recliners were wonderfully supportive as well.
The verdict
Giulia asked me about my intentions today. I said I saw a ring in our future. She said she saw bankruptcy. Ouch.
However, she followed up by saying that if I ever came across more lucrative employment that I should reach out.
Heartbreak be damned. Time to find a serious job.
Alfa Romeo Giulia Quadrifoglio
Price (MSRP): AUD$153,700
Engine: 2.9-litre twin-turbocharged V6 petrol
Transmission: 8-speed automatic
Drivetrain: RWD
Power: 375kW // 510PS at 6500rpm
Torque: 600Nm // 443lb-ft from 2500-5000rpm
0-100km/h: 3.9 seconds
Top-Speed: 307km/h
Weight: 1624kg (tare)
Fuel consumption: 8.2L/100km (claimed)
